Dear Weary Mom,
Do you ever get tired of hearing about how perfect everyone else's life is? How well behaved and amazing their kids are? How supportive their parents and siblings are? How happy their marriage is? Well, I do! I admit that easily, all you perfect and happy people annoy me! My life is not perfect. In fact, there have been more days than not in recent times when I am in shambles, I am hopeless and ready to call it quits. I fantasize about just picking up the pieces of me that are scattered all over my messy life and walking away to find a fresh start in a place where no one knows my name or cares.
There are so many days in this life that I feel neglected, uncared for, and unimportant. Days that I feel like I may never get my groove back, and in all honesty I don't even know if I want my groove back. Days that I want to just quit. Give up. Move on to a new adventure. Or maybe even skip the adventure and just find contentment in being me.
I love my son more than anything, when I daydream about quitting everything and moving on to try life from another latitude, know he is always with me. My son is the part of me that always remains in place when all my other pieces are scattered about. Now, I admit my undying and unwavering admiration and affection for this kid, and sure I think he is amazing, but in reality he can be a brat! He doesn't always listen, he is going through a hitting phase and he wears me out. But I love him and wouldn't change him even if I could.
My parents are not overly supportive, or unsupportive really. They are just... disinterested I guess. My siblings? We try, but we all live away from each other and if it weren't for facebook we probably wouldn't ever talk to each other. My in laws... a nightmare not worth talking about.
My marriage is not perfect, in fact it is as far from perfect as possible. It has been getting to the point of downright dysfunction and at times I am ready to give up. Things started going downhill as soon as I began to feel and look pregnant. My husband doesn't seem to appreciate that I am growing a life inside of me and I feel like at times he resents my body changes and medical complications. Sometimes I have to remind him that he is not taking care of me and my needs, which makes me feel frustrated. I am grateful that he will listen and consider what I have said. He might not jump to change his behavior, but within a day or so he will have come around and do the little things that I want him to do, like holding my hand or rubbing my feet. When I am brutally honest, I hate that I have to tell him how to treat me at this time in my life. I hate that he treats me like I have changed somehow because I am pregnant. It makes me feel like when I have the baby life will be normal for him, but what about me and my feelings?
Days like today, I feel empty and discouraged. Do you ever feel like that?
Despite the grim outlook I have adopted in the past few months, I find hope hidden somewhere deep inside of me. I have hope that no matter what happens life isn't over for me. There are always going to be new opportunities for change, growth and happiness. I have hope that I can do this, I can see it through and I will only be stronger next week, month, year.
Dear Weary Mom, sometimes life hands you broken dreams, lemons and messes. It is how we handle these situations that makes us better people because of them. I am trying to remind myself that yes, things seem bad now... but there is always tomorrow, eventually it will get better and things will change again.
So, my life is not perfect. I am not the greatest mom or wife, or relative. I am not a great friend all the time. I am jealous and resentful of the perfect image others portray... But at least I can admit that.