It has been quite a while since I have had the time or energy to write an installment for this series. Life is hectic, the holidays are approaching and there are not enough hours in the day.My grandma is not well, I had a spat with my mother. I have been working a lot and feeling rather blue. Life is taking a toll on me I guess.
A few days ago I was feeling especially sorry for myself. I moped around the house, I cried for a little while. I pouted about my mom and our drama, I pouted about my grandma. I pouted about how everyone else gets to have fun, they get to go out to lunch or go shopping with the girls. I don't get to do any of that stuff. I am too busy being Mom, Wife, Daughter. I love love love my job, but I have been working 7 days a week since I had the baby trying to fit everything in.
I dried my tears on this particular day. When I start feeling sorry for myself I have to step back. I have to look at life in a different perspective or I will fall apart. I have a method for pulling myself out of the worst funk in record time. I give to others.
I attacked my pantry like it was the most pressing task in my life. I organized, I took note of the expiration dates and I started pulling boxed and canned foods that we may never eat and I sat them aside for someone less fortunate. When I was done I had 2 large shopping bags overflowing with my offerings for the local food bank...But I still felt bad.
So I went into my closet. Maternity Jeans (8 pairs) went into a box. Then maternity shirts(7) went into a box. Old socks, clothes I didn't even know I had and beauty products I never use were singled out.
I didn't really feel better. But, my closet looked much better!
Into the kitchen I went again. Do I need 2 hand and 2 stand mixers? No, one of each went into the box. I really got serious and started tossing things in that box, like a bread machine that is missing a part, old coffee mugs no one ever uses, a spare coffee carafe.
I looked at my neater cabinets and the box. The box had more room, (it was a really big box! My son had been playing in it for days.) I realized that every time I put something in that box I felt a little better.
I filled up the box with outgrown kids clothes. When the box was full it was kind of heavy. Just like my heart had been. I was so glad to have my husband to help me take this box, filled with reminders of the excessive consumption to Goodwill. I had 8 pairs of maternity jeans in my closet... but I wore skirts and dresses every day.
When I evaluated things that took up space in my home, I reflected on the things in my life that were important to me as well. I felt grateful for what I have, and I felt that some items could improve the lives of others.
As I placed the bags filled with boxes and cans of food into the box I said a silent thank you for having so much in my pantry that I could share with others. I guess no one realized we even had the things we gave away. I know many other families struggle to keep food on the table. With the groceries I placed the burden I have felt with the holidays. Christmas really is a stressful time of year. Maybe the food we donated will make Christmas less stressful for another family.
As I found the courage to place my maternity clothes in the box I realized I was letting go and accepting my decision to not have more children. I had struggled with this for the past 2 months. Waves of regret and sadness would wash over me at any random moment. When I put the clothes into the box, I did so with the hope that another woman can purchase these lovely items for a very cheap price and that she will look and feel beautiful in her changing body. My childbearing days are over. I am passing the torch, but instead of doing it tearfully as I would have expected, I did so with a peaceful heart. I have 2 fantastic children. I am happy to have them. With the maternity clothes I placed the burden I have felt over my tubal ligation. I didn't want to have more children until I took the steps to insure I didn't. Then the finality of that last minute choice left me deeply troubled. Now I am ready to start coming to terms with it. Instead of feeling sad, I should feel blessed that I have 2 healthy and gorgeous children.
|My son had to jump in the shot!|
let go of the burden I feel over misspent time. Roo will never wear a 0-3 month outfit again. He is ready for preschool. It is time to embrace that he is growing up and really isn't a baby anymore. It is time to enjoy him at every stage instead of pining away for the baby days with him again.
This cleansing spree was good for my weary soul. I took stock of the good things in my life, but I also touched on the bad things too. I came out of this box of burdens experience with a less cluttered home, satisfaction from giving to others and a good understanding on where I stand in this life. Somewhere in the middle.